Children in Divorce

Divorce can be a difficult situation for anyone to face, and it can be especially challenging for children, who perhaps do not understand why their parents are getting divorced, or are confused about their own role in their parents' marriage. Talking with children about divorce is an essential step toward helping them accept the situation, but it can be difficult for many parents to do. Oftentimes, parents put off talking to their kids about their divorce because they are unsure how to approach the topic, but this delay can make a divorce even more difficult for a child or children to move past.

When kids are suddenly facing the divorce of their parents, they may feel like the divorce is their fault, or they could become angry and begin acting out. Such a situation can make a divorce even more difficult to process for both spouses, but talking to your kids strategically and effectively might prevent any confusion or anger.

Strategies for Talking to Your Kids

While talking to your children about your divorce may not seem appealing or may seem beyond your capabilities, just remember that a lot of people have to go through this process and there are ways to make it easier on both yourself and your kids. Some strategies for making this process easier include the following:

ñ  Talk to your kids with your spouse – present a united front

ñ  Carefully explain the reasons for the divorce, as appropriate

ñ  Make it clear that the divorce is not the child's fault

ñ  Maintain eye contact and a calm voice and demeanor

ñ  Avoid blaming your spouse for anything, and stay positive

ñ  Allow plenty of time for kids to ask questions

Each of these strategies can make talking with your kids about your divorce easier, not just for your children, but for you as well. While you may not implement all of these strategies, you can decide which will work best for your situation and use them at your discretion. If you feel like you need additional advice for talking to your children, you may want to consider talking to a divorce lawyer, as these professionals have the experience necessary to advise families in a variety of situations. Remember, every family is different, so talking about your divorce with your kids will be a different experience for you than it would be for someone else.

Donna Swanson is a Legal Writer/Blogger from Austin Texas | Legal News

Compulsive shopping is a serious affliction that has an effect upon thousands and can lead to serious problems including divorce. Someone recently brought an article to my attention on this subject that can be found at a NBC affiliates’ website. The article states the following interesting facts:

“According to a study in 2006, approximately six percent of the population of the U.S. can be classified as “compulsive” shoppers.

According to research, compulsive shoppers average around $9,000 worth of credit card debt.

According to psychologist Dr. April Benson, who specializes in treatment of compulsive shoppers, many people who spend a great deal of time shopping and making compulsive purchases typically feel “really hollow inside.”

Benson says that compulsive buyers will generally attempt to fill the “hollowness” with material things, which can result in severe consequences.

According to studies, women are not the only ones who can become impulsive shoppers, men are just as likely to succumb to uncontrolled spending.”

I recently helped a client in a divorce in Mobile, Alabama where the husband has incurred an incredible about of debt going gambling at the casino boats. That situation is very similar to what they are describing in this article – compulsive, addictive behavior that escalates over time to the point that it interferes with one’s relationship with their spouse and eventually ends in divorce. In either case, it is a sad conclusion for a behavior that may have started out innocently enough.

According to a report from the Pentagon, the rate of divorce among members of the armed forces held steady in 2007, at 3.3 percent. Considering that marriages can be under considerable stress due to wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, this can be somewhat surprising.

Some veterans have questioned if the figures are accurate, but defense officials have cited recent efforts to support couples enduring long separations and hardships due to the wars.

According to the Associated Press, the divorce rate represents over 25,000 failed marriages among approximately 755,000 active duty troops throughout all branches of the military who are married from a period between October 1, 2006 and October 1, 2007.

According to the Defense Department’s data, the Army, which is the branch with the largest number of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, had a 3.2 percent rate of divorce, which is unchanged from the previous year. That percentage represents 8,748 divorcees among approximately 275,000 married troops.

Army couples had to deal with extended separations due to tours of duty lasting 15 months instead of 12 months. Longer deployments and multiple tours have taken the blame for stresses on military couples.

The biggest exception to the data is the divorce rate among female troops. Over the past several years, women in the military have had twice as many marriages fail as men. The data did not provide firm numbers, but it appears that in 2007, eight percent of women in the service have divorced and 2.6 percent of men have divorced.

There is no system that can compare this rate to the rate among civilians. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the general population’s divorce rate was 3.6 per 1,000 people in 2005, which was the most recent statistics available and the lowest rate since 1970.

According to Todd Bowers of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, there is a crushing effect on military marriages from the war, producing a rising number of breakups. However, he says, these are not being tracked because they are among people who are no longer in the service.

World of Warcraft is a best-selling online role-playing game. It boasts over ten million subscribers; however it has apparently also left an increasing number of real life casualties in its wake, including a woman named Jocelyn.

Though she is not a player, the 28-year-old California native has divorced her husband of six years due to his development of what she describes as a “crippling addiction” to the game.

She claimed that shortly after he would come home from work at 6:00 p.m., he would begin playing until 3:00 a.m. She said that he was even worse on the weekends, when he would play from the morning until the middle of the night.

“I ceased to exist in his life,” she said.

Jocelyn and her ex-husband Peter had been friends since age 13. However, nine months was all it took for the marriage to fall apart.

She said she purchased the game as a Christmas present for him in 2004, when it first came out. They had their first serious discussion about the direction of the marriage in May of 2005. She moved out of the house by September 2005.

She also said her ex-husband failed to perform his domestic duties as well. She says that he was no longer paying his bills, nor doing his part of the housework.

She doesn’t hesitate to say that the game was the main reason the divorce took place and is still emotional about the impact it had on the marriage. She was upset that her husband would ruin his life and his marriage for “a fantasy land.”

This story was originally told at Yahoo Games and can be found at this link. Though it only includes one side of the story, if true, it is sad that a video game could cause the break up of a marriage. It reminds me of the title of a good book, Amusing Ourselves to Death. Or, in this case Amusing Ourselves to Divorce.

I recently came across this article from the USA Today which set out Five Common Financial Mistakes Made in Divorce.

Here is a summary of their points:

1. Trying to keep the house no matter the costs. Many couples scrambling to obtain a divorce settlement wish to keep the house at any cost. However, financial experts say that more attention should be given to who can afford to maintain the property, pay the mortgage, and manage the taxes. While it is possible to ask for spousal support to help make the mortgage payments, unexpected maintenance costs may pop up, and make home ownership more of a liability than a luxury.

2. Failing to get a clean financial break from your former spouse. Clean separation of assets and debts is another difficult task, but one that Howard Dvorkin, the founder of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services says is absolutely necessary, or the consequences can be devastating. Although the task may seem insurmountable, “the alternative is much worse,” says Dvorkin. “Having a spouse drive up your debt when you’re not married anymore” can seriously affect one’s credit score.

3. Depending on your former spouse to comply with financial arrangements. This is also a huge mistake, according to the USA Today article. Although both parties in a divorce are beholden to a court-ordered divorce agreement, creditors do not fall under that arrangement. If your ex spouse is supposed to pay the mortgage, but doesn’t, “the lender is going to sue both of you,” remarks Melissa Avery, an Indianapolis family law attorney. This holds true in Alabama divorces as well; if your ex fails to pay the mortgage, you may be hurt when applying for future loans.

4. Not reviewing your estate plan after a divorce. Wills and trusts can also be seriously impacted by divorce proceedings. If divorced spouses wait unnecessarily long to change a beneficiary on a will, for example, the money may go to the wrong person-your new spouse may get nothing, while your ex spouse inherits the amount provided for in your will.

5. Not understanding the different tax treatment of alimony vs. child support. Finally, never forget which amount of money in your divorce settlement is alimony, and which amount is child support. Whereas child support payments are not taxable to the recipient, alimony payments are. Furthermore, there are limits to how long a person can receive such payments-child support payments can no longer be received once the child turns 18 or is done with college, while spousal support generally ends once the recipient remarries.

I recently found this article at the Georgia Family Law Blog. Its an insightful look at divorce from the perspective of a seasoned divorce lawyer. Here it is in its entirety:

1. What behavior of clients still surprises you?
That couples who did not get along during their marriage expect a divorce judge to suddenly make them cooperate with each other.

2. What determines how fast a divorce can be obtained?
The psychological point the parties are at. Some are ready to end it, get on with their life. Others use the process as a catharsis to re-live their entire marriage, vent their frustration and assert blame.

3. What is the best advice to give to a non-custodial parent?
Be polite and kind to the custodial parent. They control access to your children. Regardless of your visitation, the custodial parent has tremendous control. You may be rude behind their back but never to their face. It’s a game you need to learn to play well or you could lose something greater than your pride.

4. What is the best advice to give a custodial parent?
Let your ex have the children as much as they will take them. You need a break. They are the perfect babysitter. You know they will take care of them and if they are around the children alot, they will be more sensitive to their needs.

5. Does joint custody work?
It can. Some people are naturals at it; others need a little help. A child psychologist can help those who don’t realize they have damaging behavior. Putting the child in the middle and parental alienation are classic problems in joint custody.

6. What is the worst fear of most women?
That their spouse will fight them for custody.

7. Do most men fight for custody?
There are two categories of those who do: Men who honestly want custody. Men who want to scare their wives into accepting less child support provided they later relinquish the fight.

8. How can you tell the difference?
From the obvious. Those who never spend any time with their children prior to the divorce being filed; those who travel and are never home; those who have girlfriends. These guys don’t want custody.

9. Any way to control those who are insincere?
For the ones who are just using custody as a fear factor, you should call their bluff. Offer them custody and watch them run.

10. Does guilt play a part in the outcome of a divorce?
Yes. Usually the party that seeks the divorce is willing to take less. Men who want the divorce and have children are willing to pay more support and often give up the house to the wife and children.

11. Does mediation work?
If you have an experienced mediator, you can usually resolve some of the issues. The mediator’s experience should match the sophistication of the parties.

12. As an attorney, what do you learn from the mediation even if the divorce doesn’t settle?
It’s a great way to evaluate opposing counsel and their client. Most clients and attorneys reveal the strength of their case at mediation because they are trying to influence the mediator. It’s a great way to find out everything that is going to be presented against you at trial. It is also a good way to find out what the opposing counsel knows about your client.

13. As an attorney, can you influence a mediator?
Usually, but you should do this when you are alone with your client and the mediator. You can ask the mediator to present issues a certain way. They will hold any information confidential that you ask them to. You can explore all types of settlement offers to find the give and take.

14. Is it advisable for the attorney to be aggressive at mediation?
I think you should save your best arguments and evidence for the Judge. Their opinions are the only ones that matter. If the opposing side hears damaging evidence prior to the trial, you can bet they will have a good prepared response when they hear it at trial.

15. Does the personality of the parties influence the Judge?
Yes. I like to find out what question I need to ask to make their spouse mad and that is the first one I ask.

16. How do you prepare your client for trial?
I prepare and go over their questions and answers in advance. That way they know at least 50% of what is going to happen.

17. What is the best advice you can give your client in the courtroom?
The judge determines everything. Although the judge doesn’t ask the questions, you should look at the judge when you answer. It is his courtroom. Get him involved. Read the situation. If he looks bored or disinterested, make your answers short. Be respectful. Don’t argue with the opposing attorney and never, never argue with the judge.

18. What practical considerations should a party consider when testifying?
The judge makes a decision based on a very limited view of the situation. In doing so, perception becomes reality. If one witness is better organized, more articulate, the judge can understand their testimony. For someone to make a decision, they have to be able to understand the facts. Unorganized testimony is difficult to follow. Also. perception gives credibility. Witnesses who are neat and clean and speak in an even tone without anger or bitterness are received as more truthful. Arrogance is a certain loser. Create advantages. If no one believes you, your evidence and testimony loses its importance.

19. Can you tell us if there are any tactics opposing counsel use that in your opinion have been unnecessary?
When they refuse to concede they are wrong and force the issue before the judge. These include filing a petition in the wrong county; asking for the non-custodial parent to pay for college when the law does not provide that they have to; denying their client had an affair when the client has had a child with their girlfriend/boyfriend; asking for support which exceeds the non-custodial parent’s income; demanding personal property for their client which was the pre-marital property of the opposing party; asking for half of spouse’s retirement when 75% was accumulated prior to the marriage; demanding visitation with their spouse’s children by a prior relationship. The list can be endless.

CLOSING THOUGHTS: I am assisting people at a very difficult time in their life when they are called upon to make major decisions when they are not emotionally prepared to make them. I try to give them a sense of control over a situation that appears out of control. I try and give them feedback on how their behavior will be perceived to the Court and suggest directions which reflects more favorably on them. I strive to narrow the issues to the best settlement possible so they can determine if it’s a settlement they can live with or whether they would rather take their chances with the decision of the Judge. Often times, a Judge will be more fair than the person you have been married to.

ORIGINAL SOURCE: DivorceNet

I’ve just discovered Stephen Worrall’s Georgia Family Law Blog. Its a very good blog with a lot of great content, and its not all specific to the state of Georgia, so check it out.

Here is a post he recently made where he found a nice Divorce Checklist which contains a general list of issues that should be considered in resolving a divorce. The list includes:

1. Custodial arrangements for the children
2. Visitation/parenting time
3. Child support
4. Medical, dental, hospital, pharmaceutical, and psychological expenses for the children
5. COBRA or medical insurance for a former spouse for up to 3 years from the entry of the divorce judgement where applicable
6. Income tax exemptions regarding the children — who will claim them
7. Alimony/spousal support
8. Property division
9. Division of real estate, transfers, and deeds
10. Making sure that all investments are covered including limited partnerships, stocks, bonds, and savings
11. The handling of debts
12. Pensions, IRA accounts, 401K transfers, Qualified Domestic Relations Orders
13. Personal property including furniture, furnishings, art, and collectibles
14. Motor vehicles, including trailers and boats
15. Income taxes whether there can be joint filings and liabilities for payment of taxes
16. Bankruptcy issues, protection in case one spouse does go bankrupt
17. Proper security and protection regarding property division
18. Clauses to hold the other spouse harmless and indemnification in case someone fails to live up to his or her obligations
19. How to handle the discovery of hidden assets
20. Spouse abuse and restraining orders
21. Restoration of a prior maiden name
22. Life insurance policies as protection for child support payments, alimony/spousal support payments, and/or property payments in the event of death
23. Attorney fees and/or mediator, accountant, and other expert fees and payment of same
24. College education for children and/or spouse
25. Provisions for review in certain circumstances such as with regard to child support and/or spousal support.
26. Clauses such as payment for summer camps and/or religious training and/or upbringing or other special situations involving children

This post will be the first in a series that addresses the steps to take when it becomes apparent that a divorce may be imminent. Understand that I am not encouraging divorce. I am, however, encouraging you to protect your interests and make prudent preparations if a divorce is going to take place.

Step 1: Find a Wise Guide

An experienced divorce lawyer I know is fond of telling his clients that you don’t need a lawyer to get a divorce, but you need them for the consequences of your divorce. He is right. You can likely get a divorce by finding some forms on the internet or hiring a lawyer that advertises for cheap uncontested divorces. If you have no children, a marriage of only a year or two in duration, no assets or debts have been accumulated during the marriage, and you and your spouse agree on everything, then you probably don’t need a divorce specialist.

Look for a lawyer that has at least 5-10 years experience practicing primarily divorce and family law. Find out the lawyer’s philosophy regarding litigating cases versus settling them. My personal opinion is that you should want a lawyer who makes it a priority to attempt to acheive a fair settlement for you, but who is capable and willing to litigate the case before a judge.

Step 2A – Determine what you own

We are on Step 2 in our series regarding preparing for divorce. Step 2 involves making an accounting of the family finances. This includes determining what you own.

For some, that may be easy. If you have a good handle on the family finances, then you are a step ahead. If not, then it is time to do your homework.

Many of the assets of the marriage will be obvious – the home in which you reside, financial accounts, vehicles, recreational vehicles, etc. Others may not be so obvious – these include things like artwork, bearer bonds, a spouses deferred compensation, proceeds from a pending lawsuit, etc.

Then there is the possibility that your spouse is hiding assets (this is more likely if they are the ones initiating the divorce or if divorce has been discussed previously).

Review all possible assets. Attempt to gather documentation regardign each one including present value, where possible. Especially look for any recent appraisals of real estate.

If your lawyer is charging you hourly, then any of this information that you are able to gather should save you a lot of money. If there are documents you are not able to obtain, your lawyer may have to get them through the discovery process.

Step 2C – Determine Income (yours and your spouses)

Your lawyer will need documentation showing your income (if you work outside the home) and the income of your spouse. This is important for a number of reasons, but primarily for child and spousal support.

If your spouse is a salaried employee then your job is easy. Obtain a copy of the most recent pay stub and the most recent Income Tax Return. If you do not have access to either of these, you can obtain a copy of the Income Tax Return by requesting it from the IRS.
Complete Form 4506, Request for Copy of Tax Return and mail it to the IRS address in the instructions along with a $39 fee for each tax year requested. Copies are generally available for returns filed in the current and past 6 years. You can download the form at www.irs.gov.

If your spouse is self employed, then the job of determining their income becomes much more difficult. This is why discretion about your divorce plans is important. You may want to discreetly question your spouse (or if he has one, his business partner or his partner’s spouse) about income. You can attempt to get copies of bank account statements and financial statements of the business.

Another good way to prove income and assets of a self employed spouse is to obtain a copy of a loan application or net worth statement that they may have submitted to a bank or other lending institution for a loan.
Sometimes it is difficult to prove the actual income of a self employed spouse. At this point, gather the information you can. In the case of a self employed spouse, your lawyer will likely have to help you by using the discovery process to obtain and analyze additional information.